In
Part 1 and
Part 2, we considered the definitions and connotations of the Greek and English words meaning "submit" or "submission," the role of the husband, the comparison of the marital relationship to that between Christ and the church, and the unfortunate misunderstandings and misuse of the word "submission" that have led both men and women into error and wrong attitudes. Now that we've laid a foundation for examining what submission should and can look like in marriage, let's do just that.
I submit (for your consideration; see what I did there?) that using this particular definition of submission--the one I just used to begin this sentence--can take us an awfully long way. Let me explain. When I was actively writing for publication, this is how things went: I worked as hard as I could to prepare the best piece of writing possible. When I was satisfied that I had taken it as far as I could, I submitted my submission to my agent or editor, and then they took my best effort and added to it their best effort. Because I had submitted my best effort to begin with, I hadn't let any problems skate by that I was aware of. If I was aware of it, I either fixed it first or pointed it out upon submission and asked for input. That way, we didn't waste either my time or hers/his dealing with things that should already have been finished, researched, etc., but each exchange of the manuscript allowed us both to build on already-excellent work, taking it to the next level each time.
Now what if I, as a wife, offer my husband my best effort in every area of life? My best discussion, information, thoughts, knowledge, questions, concerns, considerations, service, attention, help, empathy, and so on? Is this not submission (spoiler: it is)? What if my loving husband then takes what I offer and builds on it? "Well, in that case maybe we should..." "Here's what I found out when I talked to [insert name of mechanic, business, etc., here]..." "That helps, but I think xyz is still going to be a problem..." "Okay, I'll tell that to Mr. Repairperson when I call." This kind of submission is still a challenge for us as wives, because we won't always do it perfectly, or evenly across the board, but I submit that if we did this to the best of our ability more often, a whole lot of strife, in general and about this topic, would be avoided.
Another type of submission that can prevent a lot of headbutting goes something like, "You make the decision if/when it's in your area of expertise more than mine, or when the consequences will affect you most, and I'll do it when that's true of me." In these cases we submit to one another out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21), because letting the partner with the most experience or knowledge, or the higher stakes in the matter, take the lead in the choice just makes sense.
And yes, sometimes submission means just plain giving in. Deferring to your husband. Trusting that God's got this, because he will never leave you nor forsake you. If we cannot ever defer to our husbands, I submit that we are more self-centered than we should be, perhaps lack a servant's heart, are carrying resentment of some kind, have humility/pride issues, have trust issues (trust in husband, God, or both), have fear issues, or are viewing our marriage as primarily a power struggle. If this describes us, we need to pray about what our root issue is and ask God to expose it to us and help us repent, change, and grow.
But I need to say one other thing about the wife deferring to the husband. When I was a newer Christian, a young mom, and submission was a hot topic in my rather patriarchal Christian circle, a woman who had been married a longer time said, "We don't do this 'the husband makes the decisions' thing. We discuss until we reach a mutual decision, and until we do, we don't decide." And you know, now that I've been married 50+ years--a lot longer than the woman was who'd spoken at the time--my experience bears this out. We have had few, if any, situations where my husband made any kind of unilateral decision unless it affected him alone. I can't recall even one example. A lot of my friends say the same. We discuss until we reach a mutual decision, or we decide who's going to decide this one. And I submit that a husband who makes a practice of owning all decisions regardless of your feelings, how the choices affect you, or perhaps doesn't even consult you, isn't loving you as he ought, and a lot of the time isn't hearing the Holy Spirit urging him to hear you. Because God gives us guidance and insight for the specific purpose of helping our husbands out.
Finally, let's look at a couple more passages or discussions that tend to come up around the topic of submission in marriage. Since I just mentioned helping, first is Genesis 2:18--The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him" (NIV). Again, women tend to bristle at this, thinking it doesn't make them much more than an assistant human being. The King James uses the term "help meet" (sometimes written "helpmeet"), which is no more derisive or insulting than "helper." In 1600s English, the adjective "meet" meant suitable, fitting, or proper. "It isn't meet to sit at the bar until 2 A.M." That kind of thing. So, "I will make him a help meet" literally means "I will make him a help suitable." The Hebrew word for help in this verse, according to Strong's Concordance, is ezer, which means surround, protect, aid, help, and succor. But guess what? In 16 out of 21 uses of the word ezer in the Old Testament, the reference is to God as our helper! For example, in Psalm 121:2, which says, "My help comes from the Lord, Who made heaven and earth," the word for "help" is ezer. So, it's a mistake to conclude that the helper is necessarily inferior to the helpee; after all, Holy Spirit is called the Helper and nobody bats an eye; and I submit that if ezer is good enough for God, it's good enough for us.
And then there's Proverbs 31:10-31, best known as the chapter about "the Proverbs 31 woman." Too many women have felt intimidated because she seems to have it all together, get absolutely everything done, and never sleep, but that's a separate issue from the point I want to make. I mean, just read about her. This is a woman to emulate, whose husband and children bless and praise her. Her husband is known in the city's gates (he's a prominent citizen), and he succeeds because of who she is; he didn't get there alone, is the strong implication. She buys wool and flax, linen and purple, and makes clothing, cushions, and rugs, for home and for sale. She procures her household's food, selects and buys land, plants vineyards, makes a profit, practices philanthropy. The Amplified version tells us she is excellent, spiritual, capable, intelligent, virtuous, skillful, godly, kind, and able to teach and counsel. She abounds with treasure like entire merchant ships, says verse 14; she is that savvy in business. Does this sound like a woman who is under someone's thumb? Who has no agency to act on her own? Does her husband sound threatened by her prominence and success? On the contrary.
I submit that we need to stop looking at submission (and man-woman relationships in general) through the skewed lens this fallen, sinful world has offered us (submitted to us), resist the suggestions of our flesh and the devil, and realize what is actually, biblically, being asked. Submission means offering our best effort and input. It means being spiritually mature enough to know when to yield and then doing so. It means surrounding, protecting, aiding, helping, and succoring. It does not equal inferiority, second-class citizenship, insignificance, or acceptance of a tyrant husband.
Finally finally, consider the relationship between Jesus and the Father. Jesus is begotten of the Father and is spoken of as the Second Person in the Trinity, yet Jesus was with God from the beginning (John 1:1). All things were created through Jesus (John 1:3, 10), no one can come to the Father but through Jesus (John 14:6), and also no one can come to Jesus unless the Father draws him (John 6:44). Contrary to popular belief, we are not all God's children (we are all God's creation, all made in His image, and all loved by Him, but not all God's children) unless we receive Jesus and are given the privilege of becoming such (John 1:12). Jesus is before all things, says Colossians 1:17, and in Him all things hold together. Without Jesus' death and resurrection the Father would not have our eternal fellowship (and He wants it more than we do), and the Father's ultimate plan is to make Jesus' enemies His footstool (Psalm 110:1) and subject all things (in every realm, says the Amplified version) to Christ (1 Corinthians 15:27, Ephesians 1:22), after which the Son Himself and all under Him will also be subject to the Father, so [for the purpose that] God may be in all (1 Corinthians 15:28).
In the face of all this and so much more, who is ready to claim that Jesus is less than the Father? I submit that if taking "second place," which is no second place at all, is to become more like Jesus, then let's lose no time doing so, because a disciple is not above her teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like her Teacher (Luke 6:44). Like her Lord. Her bridegroom. Her Jesus.
To which I say, Amen.
